The last decade has taught me a lot of things, i will start with my love lessons……
1. It begins with you.
The truth is you cannot give what you do not have. I always give myself treats and ” pay” myself first. However, loving yourself is deeper than that. It is looking at yourself in the mirror nude and saying to yourself that this is me, love handles and all, cellulite, uneven skin tones, the hip dimples. It is acknowledging that you do not know it all and learn everyday. It is laughing at your own silly jokes, misdeeds and learning how to have fun alone like watching a comedy, meditate on yourself, go swimming alone, take a glass of wine, water, soda, champagne, or even read. It is accepting your mistakes and learning to be better. It is being grateful for life and love. Take yourself out on a date…..Yes, i am serious it is a necessary expenditure. When you truly get to know who you are, fully and embrace it, you will glow, see confidence spark out of yourself. When you learn how to love yourself, its easy to set standards and boundaries around people who do not deserve you because you know your value and worth. You will never be afraid of being alone, because you do not need constant validation from others about who you are. ” ….learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all…. says Whitney Houston. When you learn to love yourself after you have failed and gotten back on your feet, you will be more understanding of failure and patient with others because you have lived it.
2. It can change things
We all crave attention, and acceptance. It is ridiculously amazing how much difference in the people around us can come when we practice love. What i mean is rising above them and expressing love. It can humble them and you can see the true likeness of them come out. So if you are seeking any sort of change, love first. It soothes the ground that even criticism is absorbed positively.
3. It is a class, be ready to learn
Love can teach you a lot about yourself and others. It is interesting but when we feel love of any kind, we bring out the best in ourselves. I didn’t know that i could get mushy mushy. Love taught me that it is okay to be vulnerable, that i can trust and be trusted, that understanding is not just a fourteen letter word but rather that it partakes putting aside anger and looking at the other side and trying to listen and comprehend a person’s perspective of something. It taught me that while it is okay to speak out, listening is more important. I learnt to appreciate and respect ideologies i may not believe in. It exposed my limitations but also showed me that i need to open up more and it is okay not to have it all together…no body really does. That we as humans are not perfect and we have to choose which perfect imperfections we can live with. I learnt that misconceptions are real and communication has been underrated to a huge extent because it is speech, body language, silence, anger, laughter, actions and so much more.
4. love has seasons
It can be shocking how you can be so in love, butterflies all over the place. That person looks like the most amazing being on earth, they can do no wrong. You want to look picture perfect in their eyes. Then just one slip later, or one argument or statement and you wonder who that person is. Suddenly you would wonder whether you made the right choice. I learnt how to relish in my happy seasons and they uplift you in the difficult ones. I make memories, take loads of pictures and live life to the full. This could be with a parent, even a sibling too. It will not always be rosy.
5. It will hurt you
Literally, sometimes you will feel like your expectations have not been met. Words may be said, flares may fire on and actually i realised that it can hurt terribly. Sometimes hurt comes from unexpected or sudden loss of a loved one. What i have learnt about hurt from loved ones is that sometimes the people on the other side do not know that their actions offend you in any way or even deeply. So i learnt to digest the circumstances, and as long as it is not intentional or deliberate i let it go. Much as i learnt not to speak when angry, i am a strong believer in communicating that the action or words hurt you. I also learnt that whatever the circumstances and as difficult as it may seem, do not let that hurt consume you and do not become the person that hurt you. The support you expected might not come, or if it does, it may not fill your cup as you wished or hoped, the financial help you required may be shunned. To human is to err, but at the same time, the best life lessons are those lived. The hurt will make you feel this unbearable pain in your chest, and perhaps make you really sick sometimes, but It will build you up and make you stronger and firmer too. The hurt will also teach you life lessons about character and how people around you and yourself react when angry. It may even shock you.
6. It will be tested
This is one of the toughest lessons. Whether you like it or not, love will go through tests. You will hit dead ends on effort time and again, and wish to let go severally. You will question whether the choice was right, and if it is worth it. For some, the boredom comes in and you wish for more adventure and excitement. The well trimmed hedges always seem more attractive. Your commitment will be tested, your patience will be measured and your faith will be put on the edge, you may second guess your own character, but mostly your love will be put on a pedestal, and voices will tell you to go the other way and perhaps turn your back on it. You will cross a bridge and take a sigh of relief only to encounter the same bridge again a few miles away. You will be humbled and embarrassed sometimes, take a sigh of relief and breathe in and out on different occasions. I cannot exhaust this but one thing for sure i can confidently say is that if you live through those tests and endure the storm, you will come out unbreakable. Thick skin and thick heart and soul. If you both survive it, you will have a new level of respect for each other. There will be an unspoken bond. If unfortunately you do not live through it, you will at least have a better appreciation of what that love taught and molded into you.
8. Celebrate small victories
I am one for celebrations and not only the “final cup challenge win”, but progress along the way. If a compromise is reached toast. When the magic words of thank you, i am sorry, please, May i are finally not a struggle…toast, when time is spared to spend with you amidst all the workload…toast. When date nights are more frequent and fun…toast Birthdays and anniversaries too are worth the celebration. Create memories to last a lifetime.
9. It is a choice.
When i say it is a choice, i mean that there are days when it is difficult to love someone. When they are doing it all wrong, when they look all wrong, when they feel all wrong and don’t even love themselves. It is looking at their flaws right before your own eyes, rubbing and still seeing the same flaws and that is the moment when you have to make a choice…to love and to hold they say… It reminds me of the movie; ” The vow.” After a terrible accident, this lady forgot who she was and her husband too. He vowed to live everyday by triggering her memory and decided to make new vows to the “new” her. Imaging facing rejection from someone whom you love deeply. It must be heart wrenching!!! So i learnt that there are such days and you cannot prepare for them, but just decide to live or not to live through them. Loving beyond feelings is an art you need to be ready to practice.
10. You need to fight for it
It will get to that point, trust me it will. The sleeves in your hand will have to go up and put up a spirited fight. Patience is indeed a virtue… A love worth keeping is worth a fight too. You will have to get out of your comfort zone and go all the nine yards. It might be an apology that will save face. It might be a long awaited decision or a compromise, may be a little understanding or a listening ear. Movies show us people serenading their loved ones. Fighting can take you to extremes and usually it is to demonstrate how much the other person’s love means to you. A few take the fight physical and poetry and flowers come in handy Tears cannot be missed too. The hard lesson is that fighting for love requires putting aside the selfish interests and considering the concerns of another party. Some take a long journey and a leap of faith to rekindle a flame…extra bonus points for the latter♥♥♥
11. To bury it
The black Valentine’s day rose is what i mean. All is fair in love and hate. When all is said and done, it is important to accept that some love is not for you. Even after doing and saying it all right, the flower will still emerge wiltered.
12. There’s no one way street
So we have all read the top signs that someone loves you, and realistically relationships have timelines of when things should occur. I mean you must first fall in love, get married then have a baby. Well for some the fairy tale is in reverse of the usual norm. You could fall in love, that is a definite first then have a baby and later the wedding. Some do not even want children so there we go. All i am saying is that i have learnt that there is no one fairy tale journey, direction and ending…..each of us is living our own and the happy ending regardless, is one we should relish. Learn to live your own fairy tale. That being said, there are basics of love such as care, compassion, concern, respect, faithfulness, empathy, a listening ear and so much more…and these must be pleasantly felt in your fairy tale.
13. Love languages and “filling the cup”
Gary Chapman knew exactly what he was speaking about when he wrote this book. Please grab a copy if you haven’t. The lesson for me in here was that we feel loved in different ways and unless you speak that language, we don’t feel loved. The interesting part is that if you listen carefully either during a conversation or argument, loved ones complain of things that they find fulfilling in themselves. I appreciated the fact that it can be quite humbling to notice how much joy we can bring to each other. That being said, no one person has time to constantly fill up your cup. We need to create our own independent world and find joy within ourselves so that we can actually bring something to the table. Read a book, listen to Jay Shetty online and grow your character,Mufti Munk is also inspiring, find a sport you like and get involved in it. Build your own brand and remember that it does take two to tangle. So find your own joy, playlist, and interests too. An over the top emotional attachee can drain the other party. In the midst of work, social and family dynamics, we can detox by mixture or mediation…. find what works for you.
14. The difficult conversations
Hehehehehe!!!!! I began with laughter because this is one of the most appreciated lessons of my life. It is easy to deal with the smooth sailing yes talks. Trouble comes when you need to dig deep and sensitive and emotional barriers have to be broken. For couples that want children, what happens it becomes difficult or the news is that the dream is impossible….what happens if one party gets a lucrative job abroad, does the family move or split. Do the children attend public or private schools, how are finances handled…is it one bank account or separate contributions, how are disagreements handled and what about the issue of relatives. How do you deal with exes especially those who are still within the mutual friends circles. Regarding families how do you address the one child who felt unloved growing up because they were probably punished too much or were given too much responsibility, or the fact that parents are no longer together or a life threatening illness. There is always an elephant in the room when it comes to the hard talk. There’s no way around this one, the talks have to take place and the more you have, the easier it becomes…..
Well, those are my fourteen decade long love lessons….in the end, we can only grow if we allow ourselves to learn each day!!!
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Raw and Real 